


The Bardic College of Vox Machina

by The_Rogue_Bard



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anthology, Crack, Drama, Gen, Poems, Retelling, Songs, Soundcloud, it depends on which chapter you read - it's an anthology after all, vox machina - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:08:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Rogue_Bard/pseuds/The_Rogue_Bard
Summary: A collection of poems and songs I write about Critical Role. Some funny, some sad, some plain weird - but hey, that's Critical Role for you, right?SoundCloud links for some of the songs!For now, it's 100% Vox Machina, but that may change.If there's any spoilers, I'll let you know in the notes before the poem in question.
Kudos: 2





	1. The Song of the End

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is what I imagine Scanlan will sing about, after the finale of the first campaign. Hence, there's MAJOR SPOILERS for the ending of Campaign 1: Vox Machina.  
> (That won't be the case for other chapters/poems of this anthology)

It's a happy end, if you look at it from outside.  
It's a happy end, where the world gets to live on.  
But what's a happy end for those who wrote the story?  
For them, it is the end, and their fairytale is gone.

The bard will tell the tale of their comradery and bravery:  
The way he writes it down, nothing did go wrong.  
To whomever reads it, the story’s sweet and savory  
But to him it’s just a poem, when the truth is a whole song.

The cleric will rebuild all that war has tried to smother.  
Brick by brick she'll mend all the temples torn apart.  
A healer by profession, she couldn't save her brother  
And knows she cannot heal the gaping hole left in her heart.

The barbarian will seek a just sentence for his actions,  
Now the fight is over and he cannot battle on.  
He looks for more adventure, but only finds distractions -  
He'll have to train his wits now that they don't need his brawn.

It's a happy end, if you look at it from outside.  
It's a happy end, where the world gets to live on.  
But what's a happy end for those who wrote the story?  
For them, it is the end, and their fairytale is gone.

The sovereign returns to the land he left forsaken.  
He fought for them but now he doesn't know what they will need.  
He's lost in thought of battles won and victories he's taken,  
And builds a glorious monument for every single deed.

The mistress of the hunt tries to find herself a new life:  
She's honoured by the people for the war that she was in,  
But what is she to be, after journeys, loss and strife;  
An existence that's not tracker, that's not hunter and not twin?

The druid has to go through the hardest of these trials:  
She has to outlive tribes, beloved ones and the war.  
You can see the burden of the living in her smiles,  
a century later when even her last friends are no more.

It's a happy end, if you look at it from outside.  
It's a happy end, where the world gets to live on.  
But what's a happy end for those who wrote the story?  
For them, it is the end, and their fairytale is gone.

The raven, though, the raven gets to fly into the ether -  
What stories they will tell about the sacrifice he's made!  
Alongside with his queen, he will watch the world beneath her  
And sees that in his family, his memory won't fade.


	2. Tombstone Inscriptions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all know that IF they die (not "when"), there's going to be some hilarious tombstones to read.
> 
> (Spoilers for Campaign 1: Episode 64 - The Frigid Doom)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for Campaign 1: Episode 64 - The Frigid Doom

**Vax'ildan**  
Here lies a great rogue  
Who dagger-dagger-daggered  
But his instinct for survival  
Only ever staggered.

**Vex'ahlia**  
Here rests Vex'ahlia  
With great amounts of gold.  
Robbers always bring it back.  
(Cause her poltergeist’s a scold!)

**Pike Trickfoot**  
Pike Trickfoot rests in peace here…  
Or does that little knave?  
It wouldn’t be the first time  
She strolled out of her grave.

**Grog Strongjaw**  
Grog Strongjaw had a strong skin  
When you punched his chin.  
It happened to be ale  
Which did his strong jaw in.

**Keyleth of the Ashari Tribe**  
Keyleth talked to beasts,  
To willows and to oaks.  
Her charisma wasn’t great though,  
And tigers don’t get jokes.

**Percival de Rolo**  
We did attempt to rhyme here,  
But it was too absurd  
To find something fitting for  
Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo the Third.

**Scanlan Shorthalt**  
Here lies a gnome,  
His name unknown;  
He did assert  
That it was Burt.

**Trinket**  
You know the stuff called terpentine?  
Looks like water, tastes like wine!  
And like always, hoggish Trinket  
Had to first lick it and then drink it.

**Tiberius Stormwind**  
Here lies Tiberius Stormwind  
Whom the Raven Queen has kissed.  
He left his friends too early  
And will be dearly missed.

**Taryon Darrington**  
This man was executed.  
You wonder at his crimes?  
He just said “little elf girl”  
one too many times.

**Doty**  
We found this in the river -  
not sure if it can drown.  
It was guarding sunken treasures  
with a note to “Take this down”.


	3. Collateral Damage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As a bard, I've always been a fan of Vox Machina.  
> ...which is the worst thing that ever happened to me.
> 
> (There's a SoundCloud link for this one, if you'd rather listen to it!)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers up to Campaign 1, Episode 39: "Omens"
> 
> SoundCloud link to the song:  
> [Collateral Damage on SoundCloud](https://soundcloud.com/the_unlucky_bard/collateral_damage)  
> (Beware: I'm not a singer and I never learnt to play the guitar!)

I used to hear the stories of a group of ‘venturers  
who called themselves the SHIT and had adventures fun and crass  
I wanted to sing of their deeds and someday be their bard  
But if I want to join them, I should find them for a start

I followed them to Kraghammer but wouldn’t be let in  
A halfling in a dwarven city’s apparently a sin  
I thought I’d camp outside; await Vox Machina’s return  
Til something drew out angry Illithid and they watched my tent burn

I’ve been on the road for a whole year  
Writing songs I want Vox Machina to hear  
I’d love to ride with them and be their portable radio  
I’ve got it planned, I’d have to find them though

My Vasselheim-arrival was delayed as it can be  
Cause a bunny hit and drowned my ship when I canoed the sea  
I thought I’d sure meet Scanlan Shorthalt at the Oubliette  
Where someone killed some dwarf and guards arrested me for that

In Pyrah I then learned a fact I would’ve liked to shirk:  
Without a druid, those gateways out of lava just don’t work  
Back in town, I showed a healer my new burns to patch  
Before he finished, though, he just ran off to some “rematch”

I’ve been on the road for two long years  
Hoping my songs come to Vox Machina’s ears  
I’d love to tag along, just as a living radio  
For that to work, I’d have to find them though

I made it back to Emon and snuck into the royal keep  
My heroes were invited there and I could sneak a peek  
I then heard Vax’ildan’s voice at a distance I could make  
but I fainted in the hallway when I ran into a snake

When Uriel announced that they had broken all their vows  
I looked for evidence but all I saw were flying cows  
Obviously, then no one would believe me anymore  
That in Whitestone I was trampled by a giant dinosaur

I grow tired of the dangers, so I need a better plan  
It’s impossible to keep up with them and I don’t think I can,  
I give it up; I think I will just wait for them to come  
I’m safe here in their hometown of Emon!

I’ve been on the road three awful years  
Chasing them and facing all my biggest fears  
If I wait in their hometown, they’ll eventually draw near  
I’m sure nothing bad will ever happen here!


End file.
